“Setting good limits is one of the best ways to take care of yourself.” ~Love and Logic Institute
It is important to realize though, that limits and boundaries never tell a person what to do, nor do they punish people for not doing it our way, setting limits is telling people what we will and will not do, and allowing natural consequences to do the rest. Again, natural consequences is NOT a punishment!
Example: “I only do laundry on Sunday afternoons. I am more than happy to do all laundry that is in the basket by then. If you miss the basket and need laundry before then, you can either wash it yourself, or I will be doing laundry again the following Sunday.”
Setting boundaries in this way allows a person to experience safety and freedom in any particular relationship, as it removes them from taking on the responsibility of others. Oftentimes, people will try to gain their power back through nagging those that they gave their power away to in the first place.
Example: “Why don’t you put your laundry in the basket? You know I do laundry on Sundays! I tell you every week, have your laundry in the basket, and yet you leave it all over the floor for me to pick up. You don’t respect me, do you? I am so angry at you for making me do your laundry on Mondays when you forget to put it in the basket.
Nagging is a telltale sign that the person doing it is feeling powerless, and is desperately trying to gain it back through guilt, shaming, and disrespecting another individual. As you can see, this is highly annoying to everyone who must put up with the nagging, and this can trigger a freedom reflex, and cause the listener to have a heightened “freedom wound”, which we speak of elsewhere, as it is seeking to infringe on the freedom of the listener. The problem is, the speaker does not have good boundaries and understanding of themselves, of where they begin and end, which means they do not respect themselves at all, which they then project onto others, for they feel, “if only they respected me, I would be respectable.” Its a case of “hoping” the mirror shows them somebody other than who they actually are.
There are hidden messages communicated through such lack of boundaries.
- I don’t trust you to put your laundry in the basket, I don’t think you’re capable of remembering such things. (Projection: I don’t trust myself or my boundaries.)
- You don’t respect me. (Projection: I don’t respect myself, but I am blaming you for my lack of self-respect.)
- You are responsible for my feelings, boundaries, and self-respect. (Projection: I believe I am responsible for your feelings, boundaries, and self-respect, why won’t you return the favor?)
The one lacking boundaries takes on the role of the victim, and their perpetrator takes on the role of the villain, but why might the victim act as a victim in the first place? There are many reasons, but mostly, they were not raised in a way where it was safe to have boundaries. Their parents were probably also villains to them, or one parent was a victim and the other a villain, and it was modeled to, and/or done to, them.
If a small child is unable to go into fight or flight with a parent, and small children are not able to fight their parents physically and win, or run away from their parents forever, they will only be able to choose the third option, freeze (of the survival “fight, flight, or freeze” options). Freeze is where a person is like a deer in the headlights, frozen and unable to act; they are forced to take on the the responsibility of others through the violation of their personal boundaries – they lack a way to control their own life. They do find one way to gain a semblance of control back though, and that is through “resistance”, which is a way to slow down the boundary infractions and punishments of others; they may whine and resist, but villains always get what they want regardless of how loud the whining or resistance may be.
Resistance gives a child a semblance of control, in a world where they realize that they have little control or ability to choose. A child walking slowly when told “come here right now” in a terse fashion, is an example of resistance. Children who resist authority are taught to resist authority by parents who do not share control with them, those that dominate and infringe upon their boundaries. Resistant children grow up to be adults who require authority figures to control them, so that they can feel powerful by resisting them.
VILLAINS & VICTIMS
A villain is a security wound person who violates the boundaries of a freedom wound person, causing them to feel enslaved, and a freedom wound person who violates the boundaries of a security wound person, causing them to feel unsafe; victims are those that feel enslaved or unsafe. As you can tell, within each wound is the other wound, each can be a villain and victim to the other; the two play off of each other, like an eternal ping pong match back and forth.
This is why ‘Love and Logic‘ teaches sharing control with children through choices, and replaces punishment with natural consequences; this gives children the freedom to make choices, and the safety to make mistakes and learn from them without punishment. Giving children choices models freedom, and allowing natural consequences free of punishment models security; while this is tremendously empowering, it can only be done by an empowered parent, one who has integrated their own security and freedom wounds within.
Repairing your boundaries, gaining the ability to naturally and organically tell people what you will and will not do, without infringing upon their freewill, is the key to living a powerful and transcendent life. Parasites and psychopaths are able to leach energy from you when you try to tell them how to experience their life, even if you think you are doing so to protect your security or freedom needs. When you want to be free from the connection with parasites, you have to just tell them what YOU are going to do, and refrain yourself from telling them what they should do; going into an argument and nagging or getting defensive is proof of your own lack of internal boundaries, not the means to gain them back. Use opportunities where your boundaries are crossed and you want to nag or get defensive as material for tapping and Self-exploration.
Setting boundaries with your words though is only the first step, for if you feel the need to speak your truth and be heard, you’re not yet living it. This is why EFT is so important, it helps a person to transform their lack of boundaries into energetic boundaries, especially when a person uses “Relationships as a Mirror“. There are dozens, if not hundreds, of EFT sessions that can be done by examining the many angles of this problem, but we are going to just focus on one here; the belief that boundaries is telling another person what to do, instead of telling them what we are going to do, in a loving yet firm way.