To compare Monogamy vs Polyamory is to stop asking “why” and to look for a “how” to fix the problem far too soon; it ends the conversation long before real understanding arrives. What people really crave is intimacy and unity, and those who have been disillusioned by Monogamy attempt to try something new, like Polyamory, in the hopes of finding the elusive connection that they feel is missing from their hearts…but it too fails. Both Monogamy and Polyamory are “how” attempts to fill a void, but maybe more actionable solutions aren’t necessary, and instead, some understanding is in order; and for that, you must ask “why”.

Since for many, Monogamy vs Polyamory is the answer to the wrong question, it will pull in experiences that distract from the real problem at hand. The issue isn’t the amount of love available, it is our own pipelines and patterns of relating that are blocked and need cleaning/upgrading. Intimacy is the pipeline through which love travels, if the intimacy pipeline is blocked, love cannot flow through…adding another few sources of love will not increase the capacity of the pipeline, it’s just going to put more stress on the already broken and blocked infrastructure, causing flooding, leaks, and more.

First, upgrade the intimacy infrastructure by asking more “why” questions, and continuing to ask the “why” questions until all of the faulty patterns are understood and reversed to healthier, better serving patterns. Once you are full of love, then readdress the Monogamy vs Polyamory debate, and you may end up finding that you are already full and that it doesn’t matter anymore.

~Nathan Martin & Aline Van Meer



About Nathan & Aline

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  1. Thanks for this. As a polyamory educator I’ve seen the gamut from people embracing polyamory for the wrong reasons you describe, to doing so from a desire to add to the abundance of intimacy they already have. Most people don’t know that intimacy is much more than sex, and that it is instead about being willing and able to be emotionally vulnerable by barring our all to another with the knowledge that we are still loved and accepted no matter how unattractive the truth might be and how ashamed we might be. That kind of relationship is unfortunately rare, but I know very many polyamorists who intentionally seek more than one love with whom to share this depth of emotional connection, not to supply what is missing. I recommend researcher Brene Brown’s wonderful TED talk on the benefits of vulnerability as well as her book on the subject, Daring Greatly.

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